Bibelots of a Bullied Mind
First and foremost, I would like to extend sincere and deep gratitude to you all; for being who you are and doing what you do, and to all those who have been such an inspiration to me, in my own efforts to overcome my struggles with bullying…which I have only recently come to realize.
Your presence, your help, your positivity and encouragement have proved invaluable, not only to me, but to all those that I have shared Cybersmile with.
My name is Kristin and I live with my 12yo son in New Hampshire. Like the many you serve, I have been living with the detrimental effects of bullying; however, unlike many of those you lend your help to, I will never be able to rid myself of my bullies…because they are my own family.
I have been, of course, well-acquainted with the word “bully” since childhood. Yet it was not until recently that I actually understood that that is what’s been happening. And while I spent years examining, processing and making peace with the abuse I suffered as a child, at the hands of my mother and grandfather, I never recognized the bullying perpetrated by the rest of my family, and subsequently, too many others because of it.
Being insidious as she was, my mother excused herself by discrediting me. And so the blame for her actions, and my own subsequent reactions, was placed squarely on my shoulders. I was a liar, a troublemaker, a bad kid with a bad attitude and behaviour problems. NO ONE would believe my allegations; they still refuse to listen, acknowledge or accept the truth, which has become a burden that I have carried for an entire family for nearly 50 years. My father cannot admit he was abused by his wife, or that she abused her children. My brother cannot make these admissions, either. Neither is willing to entertain the thought that my grandfather may have molested the grand-daughter he cherished or that underlying abuse may have been the root of my mother’s misery, as well. And so, they still discredit me; the precedent was set long ago (If you are affected by anything mentioned within this post please email [email protected] 24/7 for a trained support advisor).
The erosion and corrosion, the lack of self-worth and the imposed feeling that I am treated just the way I “deserve” to be treated, is about to culminate in one of the most horrendous and traumatic periods of my entire life. I am currently staring homelessness directly in it’s ugly face, with a 12 year old Autistic child, in tow.
In February, 2014, I suffered a debilitating injury, which has precluded me from finding suitable work; and I’ve spent all this time being bullied by my former employers, their agents, lawyers, and doctors, as they spend a mint trying to discredit me and refusing to pay for the surgery/medical treatment I need. Just another in a long line of lousy situations I end up in, because I’ve been conditioned to believe I don’t deserve any better, and shouldn’t bother having aspirations because I’m just not good enough.
Instead of the love and unending support, instead of help or a helping hand…my family members either ignore me, completely, or else hammer away at me for my failures, my mistakes and my inability to lead a decent, “normal” life. And not a single one will offer my little boy a warm bed.
Truly, I’m a little bewildered by the fact that while I was able to understand and address the outright abuse…I was never able to recognize the bullying for what it was…until now.
A New Perspective
And somehow, simply just putting a name to it has given me pause to see everything in a whole new light, from a different perspective, and with a clearer concept of what I’m dealing with. While I certainly haven’t got things sorted out, the knowledge has given me power…despite not being able to utilize any of it for my own good.
Which is what brings me here, to you, today.
I am so grateful to Cybersmile for helping me understand a great many things about myself, my life and the people in it, that I wanted to contribute. Cybersmile is the entity that has earned my fidelity and devotion, because you are the ones who have helped me begin to effect these positive changes in my life.
I have been putting this off for months; for as certain as I am that my words have worth, I am equally uncertain that you might think so. For all the confidence I have that my experiences and talents have the power to reach, touch, move and help, I’ve lacked the courage to reach out. These are the effects of a lifetime of bullying.
I am a Cybersmiler, and will continue to be one. My goal is that, as I begin to sort out the difficulties I’m facing, I will be properly able to immerse and interact, volunteer my time and loving heart, and really become a part of the wonderful organization that you are. Thank you SO very much for all you do.
The Positive Playlist has been invaluable to me over these past months. Music has always been a huge part of who I am, here is my positive playlist!
- Belinda Carlisle – The Story
- David Bowie – Young American
- Grace Potter (and the Nocturnals) – Timekeeper
- X Ambassadors – Unsteady
- The Ramones – I Wanna Be Sedated
If you are affected by anything discussed in Kristin’s powerful post please email [email protected] for a trained support advisor. Alternatively you can explore our Total Access Support service. For further information about Cybersmile and the work we do please browse the following suggestions.
- Corporate Partnership Program
- The Human Condition and Social Media
- Transfer Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
- Who Are Cybersmile?
- Become a Cybersmile Sustainer
If you’d like to contribute to the Cybersmile blog please email [email protected] for further details.