Becoming stronger, changing the future

This is the second of a two-part story. If you haven’t read Abbie’s story, What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger, you might like to do that first – just click the title!

 

Well the year started off just how it had been… LONELY, DULL AND BORING.

But last year made me the person I am today strong, motivated and determined to succeed.

The year was one hell of an experience, daunting and scary. At one point I felt like I was letting everything that I had experienced in school last year get on top of me.

The struggles I faced and the emotions I experienced went on a roller coaster ride. Everything was suddenly new again.  Back to 5 lessons a day, going to my tutor group for registration; I felt like I’d just started year 7 but in fact was starting year 11.

Upon finding my feet which what felt like a year 7 moment was very difficult, I had hid away for too long and the fear of going back to my lessons made my stomach churn. I was forever hearing ‘it will be fine, just go in and do it the feeling will go soon’ but for what seemed like months the anxious feeling would not go away. It was like a brick wall blocking me from going into the classroom, I’d get upset over the littlest thing and would become panicky even by the thought of going into the classroom. Nothing could have been harder forcing myself into lessons, when all I wanted to do was hide away where I felt safe.

If I had let that all get on top of me, I don’t know where I would be today. I certainly wouldn’t have got to the end of year 11.  Finished all 13 exams, that last year was like a long distance dream I thought would never become realistic. The struggles in which the year had brought me had become a distant memory, it’s made me a stronger person. For months I felt I was in overdrive constantly trying to complete work that I was behind on; I just wanted to give up. I found I was questioning myself- WHAT WAS THE POINT?  I CANT DO IT!

I let all that get on top of me. I stopped going to registration in early October, I didn’t want to be there, I’d tried my hardest but the anxiety became too much. So instead I registered with my mentor every morning, spent break and lunch in PLC, where I felt safe. I struggled for ages going into lessons, I didn’t want to be there- I just wanted to walk out and on quite a few occasions I did. I couldn’t cope with the fact I was slowly letting everything get on top of me.  My friendship group had changed and I didn’t think I had anyone, but in fact I did have a few close friends, the rest were just curious, picked me up and dropped me when it suited them.

I rebelled and refused to go into lessons, overused my timeout card, I didn’t even want to be at school anymore. I thought I’d get nowhere, let the barrier defeat me. But something changed in March, something finally clicked, I was fed up of feeling so low, getting upset all the time, not being able to achieve what I wanted to achieve. I leapt over the barrier, overcame my fears and did what I needed to do- it was hard, but I needed to do it. I actually felt proud of myself for once,  happy. I actually wanted to be at school. Slowly but surely, little by little I started to put what had happened last year behind me, you can’t control the past but the future was mine to control. If it was mine to control I wanted it to be perfect, I worked my socks off, to prove to all those who tried to knock me down that I was stronger than ever.  I weren’t going to be an easy target no more. I ended the year having completed all coursework and succeeding my target grade in health and social care and in fact achieved an A , completing all 13 exams and actually feeling a sense of achievement and pride. I’d done it, it might not of been easy but nothing in life is never straight forward. I celebrated at prom all the achievements that the year had brought me, last year I wouldn’t of even dreamed of going to prom, but I was determined to go, I wasn’t living in the past, I was living for the future. Year 10 wasn’t a wipe off it was a learning curve.  I’d love to turn back time, do it all again. Change the way I viewed things and chose to deal with them differently.

When something bad happens to you, you’re full of resentment.

Bitter by the thought of what happened but you can choose only two paths to go down. Live in the past and let the past control you or the past cannot be changed but the future is yours to control.

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